This title, of course, refers to my own work. I am a moron. I am closed-minded and arrogant. My ideas are the only ones that matter, and they often involve the encouragement of violence, are littered with baseless insults, and are communicated with ghastly diction and syntax. I can’t believe anyone in his or her right mind would consider for one moment that I have anything worthwhile to say, and I am further astounded that there is a single Republican left in the world because everything on the right of the political spectrum is obvious crap.

Not.

But someone in my dorm hall feels this way. He (I’m assuming a male did this based on a simple handwriting analysis) came by my door sometime between 10:30pm and 5:00am last night and wrote on my whiteboard, “Your misguided Republican mindless hate mongering is what is wrong with America. Meaning this,” which he followed up with an arrow pointing down to my Fresh Elephant advertisement. This guy is more than welcome to disagree with my conservative epithets. But the adjectives used to describe his disgust with me (none of which were separated
by their necessitated commas, by the way) are beyond inaccurate.

“MISGUIDED”
Wow, you’re a humble son of a gun, ain’t ya? To say that someone else is mentally blind and deranged solely on the grounds that their ideas differ from yours is incredibly elitist, and if we’re all so concerned about global warming, our first order of business should be to suffocate your monstrously huge head as I’m sure it produces an enormous amount of waste. You, sir, are arrogant, and I am sorry that you find yourself incapable of having the single iota of tolerance it takes to recognize that not everyone who disagrees with you is just plain unhinged. To sum up, I’m not MISguided. I’m just guided on a path that you haven’t yet explored. Join me anytime you want, and feel free to show me yours.

“REPUBLICAN”
Ok.

“MINDLESS”
Looking back at my posts in summation, I can give myself high marks for information and education. I use actual citations from accredited sources left and right, base most of my remarks off of legitimate newsletters I get and study on a daily basis, and I articulate my arguments beautifully, if I do say so myself. I have college professors, high school principals, English teachers, business executives, and former political officials reading what I write, and while some don’t agree with me, they all support my efforts and acknowledge that my logic and writing skills are superb. I am never one to get on my high horse. In fact, I don’t even have a high horse to mount. But when someone questions my intelligence, I will respond with full confidence that they are mistaken, because, if there is one thing I know infallibly about myself, it is that my intellect is strong. Do not discount my brainpower just because it produces different results than yours.

“HATE MONGERING”
I’m not 100% sure who exactly it is I’m being accused of hating, but no matter who this guy thinks it is, he’s wrong. I do not hate any single demographic, nor do I feel I convey hatred for any individual, idea, or political party. I state (with acumen!) that I think certain ideas or candidates are wrong, and I give fully substantiated reasons as to why, and I claim my own views with resilience. Hatred is never a factor. Granted, I often use a biting or sarcastic tone, either because I’m peeved when I write or I think it’ll make it more fun to read, but I try very hard to not alienate or insult anyone, except for maybe the candidates themselves (but if SNL does it, so can I). I can’t count how many times I have said something along the lines of, “it’s ok if you disagree with me” or “tell me I’m wrong,” but apparently this is not sufficient compensation for all the other times I go off on tyrannical monologues wherein I discuss the bloody holocaust of all things liberal, right? Your previous use of “misguided” and “mindless” tells me that you’re far more “hate mongering” than I am.

In fact, all of your words indicate to me that you never even read the stuff you’re criticizing. Maybe you saw the Republican elephant logo in the background and assumed my writing would be something disdainful, but I’m afraid, sir, that you’re sorely mistaken, and I’d appreciate it if you’d reread (or just read) my stuff. After that, I give you full amnesty in your judgment, so long as you don’t succumb to further hate-mongering.

Aside from your adjectives, I take umbrage with your haughty generalization that I am “what is wrong with America.” Firstly, I can think of a whole lot of things that are wrong with America, and freedom of expression and competition of ideas never come up on my list. I could so easily take this one statement you’ve made on my little whiteboard and tell you what’s really wrong with America: we don’t listen to one another. We’re all so stuck in what we believe, even when we have no idea why we believe it, that all things unfamiliar are automatically filed as evil. Your snap judgment of me is what is wrong with America. Your superiority and hardheadedness are what is wrong with America. Your grammatical ineptitude is what is wrong with America!

I am so sick of all this! I see the looks people give me when they see me unlocking a door decorated with John McCain merchandise. Do you think I’m blind? Republicans have been blacklisted, for crying out loud, and we do not deserve the rap we’ve been getting. Right across the hall from me is girl with an Obama sticker on her door. Have I ever vandalized it or challenged her intelligence via her whiteboard? No, because I respect her freedom to say whatever she wants to say. And until people start granting Republicans this same respect, we will be fully founded in our assumption that we’re just bigger, more adult people than they are. Please, prove us wrong.